Parenting thoughts:

Consider the chronological and developmental age of your child.  Explanations and strategies will vary significantly with age.  Consider a child's ability to understand consequences and reward for self and others, retain information, weigh pros and cons, negotiate, and make and communicate a decision.  

Weigh risks and benefits, and pick battles.   Most parents and carers have priorities for their children which include, safety, health, development, well-being (e.g. not depressed or anxious), general functioning (e.g. socially and emotionally) and independence.

Be consistent and predictable for results. 

Be patient, fair and kind.  Be the adult you want your children to become.  Children learn from example.  

Firm and consistent boundaries often lead to relaxed and happy children.  Boundaries can be negotiated as children develop in ability.

Anxiety or low mood in parents can cause anxiety or low mood in children.  Ensure that you look after yourselves as parents or carers. 

Children who are or who feel as if they are in charge, 'the boss', are often very anxious and unhappy.  They often show this with defiant and controlling behaviour. 

Children often benefit from having age appropriate responsibility and often need an age appropriate part of their lives that they can control, for instance, what they wear, their subjects at school or having a part of the garden that is theirs. 

General food choices during grocery shopping (amount and type) should ideally be part of adult decisions.  Overweight children are never a child's fault.  Children can decide what to eat at restaurants or on holidays, but general day to day food choices should be adult decisions.   A child's health is related to food intake (amount and type) and health is an adult decision and responsibility.  It is usually more harmful than beneficial to put a child on a 'diet' or to 'enforce exercise to lose weight' for a child.  Meals should be balanced and life for a child should be active and fun.  Serious topics such as 'diet' and 'must exercise' should be reserved for adult conversations.  

Exclude children from adult topics, roles and decisions.  Think age appropriateness.  Children can easily become 'young carers' for their parents if they are worried about their parents. Parents might understand this as empathy and caring, but it can be harmful for children's development and well-being.  Children have many opportunities to learn about empathy and caring in a child's world for instance with friends or their pets.  Home and parents much ideally remain a 'safe base' for children, as far possible.  

Enforce positive and negative consequences.  Remember the positive reinforcements (the carrots for good behaviour) are the most powerful reinforcement of all. 

Positive and negative consequences must not come as a surprise to the child, but must be predictable. 

Make things visual and make it fun.  A chart on the wall, clearly visible, with 'good stickers' is often a good start.  The child can get involved, drawing or painting on the chart.

Negative consequences (negative reinforcement) or punishment should not humiliate, harm, hurt or threaten a child or make a child anxious.  Acceptable forms of negative reinforcement include withdrawing a favourite activity or toy (such as 'grounding' or the 'naughty step').  Never act in anger or when irritated or annoyed.  Never make any decisions whilst you are emotional, be it angry, sad, anxious or frustrated.  Practice self restraint and teach by doing.  

Most importantly, children need to feel safe, they need to feel that you as their parent or carer has the wheel and that you see them as positive and love them unconditionally.  They want to see your eyes light up when they enter the room, as Maya Angelou said. 

For more information speak to your GP or Child Psychiatrist.



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